It has been one year since that fateful night.

Of course, thanks to the efforts of my quick-thinking, first aid trained husband and son, CPR was administered and I am here to tell the tale. I have learnt an awful lot in the year, but not really about myself. I already knew that I was a fully paid up member to the ‘Strong Girl’s Club’, and as quickly as I could, I got myself up and quite literally, running.

But, the biggest thing I learnt was how much these things scare other people. I recently had a conversation with someone who asked me if I was scared since it happened. How can I be scared? Apart from the fact I take daily medication to control my heart, have constant monitoring, and an internal defibrillator that should my heart go into a quivering mess again I will be shocked so my heart goes back into a normal rhythm, I don’t see how I can live my life in fear?

scared to be living

If I were to live my life in fear, I would never even step out of my front door. I can’t live in the shadows of fear otherwise I will not be the person I want to be, and more importantly the mother I want to be to my beautiful children. Fear leads to a boring life, and I don’t want that.

What I have realised, is other people are scared it’s going to happen to them. They are scared of death and leaving their children behind.

There is no easy answer to this, unfortunately death is a certainty for us all. Obviously, we will do all in our power for it not to happen early, but sometimes this isn’t possible. Projecting fear and not talking about death has made it become a taboo in our society. I heard a story of a child saying the other day ‘When you are gone Mummy, I will still think about you’. I love this straight-forward approach to how death doesn’t have to be shrouded in fear, but instead with happy memories.

I often ask if I have a new perspective on life, like it made me take stock of everything in my world. Again, I’ve always seized the day: Booked the holidays, saw the people, drunk the wine, danced the dance and maybe once or twice, bought the shoes … I haven’t wanted to make massive changes, as I’ve always strived to live my best life. This isn’t to say I haven’t loved the messages from friends who maybe weren’t living their best life and have made changes. I have absolutely loved this – they are learning to live deeper, and that’s always a great thing.

scared to be living

In short, I will never forget the huge shower of love that covered me when I was ill, but too often the one perspective that isn’t looked at it, is my very own, and I am just carrying on (with one or two minor adjustments) my own sweet life, and quite frankly, celebrating the normality.

But if you haven’t learnt CPR since it happened, get on with it!