Everyone thinks cats are so mysterious and unknowable. It’s all an act. Sure, they love us because we give them food, but there is clearly some higher intelligence at work here. Lois, who has been with us for a few months, has got a long list of things she REALLY wants …
1. TO BE HALF IN AND HALF OUT OF THE BACK DOOR (WHILST YOU WAIT FOR ME)
This is Cat 101, a basic skill. I like to stand hopefully at the back door (the one without the cat flap of course) to encourage you to open it and then I pretend to go outside. There are two concepts at play here. Firstly, I am controlling you. Got something more important to do? Chill out, dude. We’ve got all day. Well I’ve got all day anyway and you will just have to get on cat time.
Secondly, it’s more of an existential statement. I am half in the house, my back paws firmly rooted in my safe, luxurious and domesticated lifestyle and yet my front paws taste freedom. I am a wild cat. I am out and yet I am in. See how that works? I could think about that all day.
2. THAT MOTH, THAT MOTH, THAT MOTH
I want that moth, any moth, so badly that I can almost taste it. The fluttering, the papery wings. It’s all good. I particularly like to let one flapping, broken wing protrude from my mouth whilst I savour the flavour. Catching and eating the moth is just a small demonstration of my powers. Today a moth, tomorrow an antelope.
3. TO STARE AT YOU WHILST YOU ARE HAVING A SHOWER
I don’t know where to start with this. Firstly, you can take off your fur. It grosses me out and yet I can’t look away. It’s such a hard concept to grasp that I have to do this silently and without moving. I also like it when you put a towel on your head. I would do totally this if I had opposable thumbs. I have to make do with sitting on your clean laundry.
4. TO CRY PITIFULLY IN THE SMALL HOURS OF THE MORNING JUST OUTSIDE THE CATFLAP
Quite simply this is a test of your love for me. I like to wait until I hear you approach (you think the cat flap is stuck, don’t you?) and then leap through, surprising you with my stealth and agility. I can tell how much you enjoy this game, because of the delighted shout of surprise you give and also – you come and play every single time. Hehe. Sucker.
5. TO SIT ON THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE CHAIR IN THE HOUSE
See also shunning expensive cat cushions. What? You think you can buy my love with lavish gifts? Honestly, it’s all about you, isn’t it? You can’t control me. I will sit on your office chair whenever I goddamn want and there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t even kick me off. You just perch on the front of it whilst I enjoy the full comfort of the padded seat. Loser.
6. TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ‘WORK’
I love the way you call it ‘work’ when we both know that it’s a form of elaborate role play, where you pretend not to be interested in me in order to gain the upper hand in our relationship. You pretend to be ‘busy’, but I can see you are just on Facebook all the time. Fine, two can play at that game. I can pretend it’s the only time of day I’d like to interact with you. I do like sitting on your keyboard though. When your hands are on it. It’s strangely intimate.
6. TO DEVOUR ONE BRAND OF CAT FOOD ONE DAY AND SHUN IT THE NEXT
Imagine, if you will, being given a packet of crisps for breakfast and a tin of tuna to wash it down with. Now imagine eating this for every single meal for the rest of your life, only being able to change the flavour of your packet of crisps once a week. And you call me ‘fussy’? It’s my silent protest at the monotony of standard cat nutrition.
7. TO SIT ON YOUR CHEST
I’m not a lap cat. Being on your chest is the manifestation of a wide range of deep-seated mother-kitten separation issues from my early childhood. You let me sit on your chest every once in a while and I won’t scratch your furniture. Settle down, bring snacks, we’re going to be here for a while. Don’t move until I say so.
8. TO SHARPEN MY CLAWS ON THE LEGS OF THE DINING TABLE
Just kidding. Furniture is boring. It’s all about my new cat scratching post. Until you get some new furniture – then the deal’s off.
We’ve just moved house and having Lois use our lovely new furniture as a cat scratching post, was my biggest worry. I was first in line when the kind people at Swell Pets offered us a cat scratching post to review. Well, I say ‘scratching post’ but it’s more like or a feline home entertainment system.
Lois is (so far) an only pet, as well as a rescue cat, and fairly timid. We think she’s about 6 months old, so whilst she enjoys lounging around on her luxury cat pillow as much as the next cat, she’s still pretty playful and kittenish. Behold the Rosewood Seagrass Scratcher, infused with catnip, and Extra Strong for hours of playtime fun. At £13.99, it’s a bargain.
I am happy to report that it is indeed extra strong and has yielded many hours of playtime fun. Since the arrival of the scratcher, there has also been a decline in the numbers of mice (both live and dead) being offered to us on a morning. I asked Lois for a few words about the cat scratcher, but she’s busy washing her bottom, whilst sitting on the printer. Instead, here is Lois’ enjoying her new scratcher in pictures.
[stextbox id=”tmk-box”]Swellpets have toys and pet supplies to satisfy even the fussiest cat. And that’s saying something.[/stextbox]